the heart is speaking out

there's something inside me i really want to tell you sayang

i hope you will understand me 

jangan marah 

jangan melenting

im begging you 

i just need words and actions to comfort my heart, to settle and clear things in my mind

please sayang?

ok, lets get started.

on the day we gaduh, i macam sangat tak kisah with you, i sangat ego, sebab i nak you terus pujuk i...

sampai i found out something i never expect you will do 

sayang, listen
bukan i dah hilang kepercayaan 
bukan hati i dah hancur
bukan i terlalu kecewa

situasi buat kan perkara semua ni hentam i dengan kuat
tapi i kuat sebab i ada orang yang kuat kan i

i try to fix myself for you 
for this relationship
another month to go for tunang
and honestly i doa
"ya allah tunjukkan aku idzwan bin idrus ikhlas ke tunang dengan aku bukan tanggungjawab semata"

alhamdulillah until this moment, 
hati i masih percaya you 
percaya your loves
percaya your sincerity towards me

YES, tbh you dah banyak berubah now sayang
berubah to somebody yang i tak boleh terima tu you 
but why? 

you used to shower me w your times
pampered me w words
treat me at the best

and it's all gone :(
why?

i sedar i tak layak dah terima semua tu after what happened.
tapi sayang, bukan i ke girlfriend you ?
the one you wanted to kahwin so much?
bukan i ke yang you sangat ikhlas want to jaga me?
but why you give me all this?

sayang, i harap i kekal kuat dan tabah
kekal sabar dengan allah bagi pinjam now
tapi sampai bila i nak kuat to hadap all this?


tunang, and another 3-4 years to fix relationship
inshaa allah i akan sentiasa minta tolong Allah 
berkatkan, rahmatikan, redhakan hubungan ni... 

but sayang, i believe you are putting effortS for us
i might tak nampak now, but i know one day you will show me everything
slowly.. we are now rebuilding our relationship
hati banyak orang kacau 
dugaan allah bagi, i cari hikmah untuk kita kuat and one day jadi sejarah to appreciate

the only thing i want to know is
pernah ke awak jatuh kat orang lain?
or dah terbuka ruang kat hati you to like other girl?
or dah terkasi peluang kepada orang lain to like you , know you, and love you?

in shaa allah kalau you jujur, i akan terima.. manis pahit i akan telan dengan ikhlas
i pasrah dan redha.. in shaa allah i akan kuat
for the sake of my sayang to be happy :)

hati i ada tertanya
"kenapa dia berubah menjadi seseorang yang bukan dia after all happened? dah terbagi kepada orang lain ke? dalam keadaan macam ni, setuju untuk tunang tu dia excited ke? terpaksa? ikhlas? sangat nak?"

i dont know

semua tu dalam hati i sayang.. baby minta maaf?

thats why baby needs your explanation
your words to convince and comfort my heart
then i boleh fikir to make decision for us

kalau sayang still love me for who i am, and more and more sayang
please do and say something to me
i dont need money
i dont surprises
i need the old you
yourself yang buat kan i jatuh dulu

that's all i need from you
at least i akan rasa seronok to tunang soon
and awak too perhaps?

i know you are trying hard to hide the pertunangan...
idk the reasons, but you do..
so you just make your own decision

i love you xx
princess